The really useful magazine - now part of Motor Cycle Monthly

Expect the unexpected

It’s getting to that time of year again when the first signs of spring start to herald the end of a long cold bikeless winter. It’s a great time to start thinking about summer biking holidays and where to go, with whom and for how long.

In so many cases hols planned with friends turn out to be a holiday by yourself as one by one ‘friends’ pull out for myriad reasons from “I can no longer afford it”, to “my girlfriend thinks it’s too dangerous!” I have heard them all a thousand times. If you follow these simple tips you should arrive at your first port of call abroad reasonably prepared and equipped for what lies ahead. But first and foremost, expect the unexpected!

Travelling companions

Firstly, never plan to go abroad with friends, plan to go abroad by yourself and if friends happen to turn up at the point of departure at the right time so much the better! This avoids the embarrassing phone calls to all of the places you have reserved saying ‘sorry we reserved seven beds it now appears we only need one’ and haggling with the narked B&B owner about how to get out of losing ones deposits.

Of course a certain amount of planning needs to be put into place before you get to this stage, so it is a good idea to have some plan of where you want to go and a backup plan should everything go wrong. There is nothing worse than setting off with five bikes, and on the first day bright eyes forgets to ride on the other side of the road and has an accident and goes home, on day two the second bike gets electrical gremlins and gets sent home, day three and your 20 stone nightclub bouncer mate misses his mum so goes home, day four sees the last bike run out of oil, so it’s pushed to the nearest station, leaving you to face the wrath of any hostel you have booked and having to pay the costs as your mates won’t, so expect the unexpected.

A plan is a good thing, but be prepared to modify the route when in situ. It is also good at the planning stage to check that your insurances are going to be up to-date and that your breakdown service covers where you are going and you have contact numbers should there be any problems, above all make sure you have a current passport with plenty of time left on it before it expires. Put all these and all bike docs in a waterproof zip bag, it is no use at all producing a sodden gooey mass to some member of the foreign constabulary, who has already lost his sense of humour because of some offence you may (or may not) have committed, as he will simply march you off to the nearest Stalag.

Do not under any circumstances service the bike on the day before you leave, this will only end in tears, that perishing little bolt that really needs to come out or be adjusted at the end of the service will snap off, I will guarantee it! Leaving you to run around for the rest of the day like a headless chicken trying to find an engineer/new bolt to get the bike ready again for the off, inevitably you will succeed but only by arranging to meet your mates at the boat, where you arrive breathless and completely stressed out five minutes before the boat leaves. You can equally guarantee that the other little bolt that you didn’t touch for fear it would follow the same route as the first will somehow part company with the bike within five minutes of arriving on foreign soil. So expect the unexpected!

Clothing

Depending on the time of year your clothing needs to be considered, there is no enjoyment at all in going to the Mediterranean at the height of summer wearing superfandango Rossi rep one piece leathers. You will sweat for England and lose fluids at an alarming rate, which if you don’t top up hourly, will make you quite ill, plus when you get to your overnight stop all your mates will have showered and had a couple of drinks at the bar before you finally manage to scramble out of them. There is nothing worse than having to don those same minging, sodden leathers the next morning – unless you like that kind of thing of course. Leathers are only great, where they belong, on a circuit!

It is best to wear a textile two piece suit when travelling, they offer the same protection as leather but you can also shed bits as the situation dictates. It is also good to dress in several thin layers underneath for the same reason. Take two pairs of gloves, one for the rain the other for having fun.

Some people equip themselves with all their old knickers/undershirts which they change into and then bin when used at the various stops, this allows your rucksack/carrier bags to get lighter as the holiday goes on, but don’t forget to at least pack one decent set as you never know whom you might meet en route. Remember to expect the unexpected!

Essentials

Plan on carrying a tubeless puncture repair kit or a can of sealing goo, and a can of chain lube, as both of these can be difficult to find when needed. Make sure your mobile phone is set up for roaming before you leave home and don’t forget some form of charger.

A GPS can be a good thing to reduce navigation strain, but carry some alternative method of charging it as it is not unknown for some of the bike mounts of a certain large manufacturer to stop working mid continent leaving you with no access to the following days route or the next overnight stop because the battery went dead. So a marked map is the fallback scenario. Would it be wise at this point to add, expect the unexpected?

It is a good idea to carry a few tools to at the very least enable you to remove a wheel or adjust the chain, going abroad with simply an allen key (as some Triumphs are equipped) is as much use as a chocolate teapot. However there is a limit and trying to strap your paddock stand on to the backpack may be considered a bit over thetop.

Remember also a healthy sum of cash (in the aforementioned zip bag) and a bank card with a pin number (that will do nicely!) Don’t forget that most petrol stations are closed on Sundays, other than motorway services stations however if you do get caught short and your credit card doesn’t happen to work in a 24 hour unmanned pump, then be prepared to wait at any local refuelling stop, armed with a big smile and ‘Excuse me sir my card, doesn’t seem to be working, may I use your card and refund you with cash?’ in your best foreignlanglaise. If the kind person agrees, be sure to be a bit generous with your cash refund as the next biker in the merde may be me! As I have said before expect the unex...

So there you are, fat, dumb and happily leaving your overnight stop, ready to impress your hosts as well as your mates you pull out of their drive and with a cheery wave of goodbye you race off into the distance – on the wrong side of the road! As your mates, and the by now anxious hosts, await the ensuing carnage, the dawning of intelligence starts to rear its head as you calmly swerve to the correct side of the road pretending all along that you had intentionally done that manoeuvre! To help avoid it happening to you put a brightly coloured rubber band or something similar, on the right-hand handlebar to remind you, it may save your life!

As you can by now see a bit of planning can help you to avoid a few of the pitfalls, unless you want to do what I used to do, and take a magical mystery tour! Many a time I would set off from home with a tent strapped to the handlebars and throw over bags behind me and with no idea where I was going to spend the following night. Call me diverse, but there is a certain kind of pleasure in doing this!

I once went with friends (who did show up) to St Tropez (you would never guess why?) and coming home through cuckoo clock land my friend’s bike threw a rod out of the engine. It turned out this was more than a trifle inconvenient, as we only had about five hours before the last boat sailed and we both had to be at work the following day, so we bartered a length of rope from a local farmer (we were right royally ripped off) and I towed him back to Calais at silly speeds (this was before the motorway was opened) just in time to make the connection away from France to Dover where my friend called the AA. I left him there at 1am and set off home in one of the worst fogs I have ever experienced, back to north London at less than 20mph all the way. I arrived just in time to shower, change and go straight to work. My mate by the way turned up after lunchtime, and got docked half a day’s wages, so do I need to further remind you to always plan for, and expect, the unexpected?

Words and pics: Nigel Porter